Morning :]

So tomorrow will be the last day of being a fatty :]

It's my last exam tomorrow, which I am absolutely terrified about. I'm convinced I've failed all the exams I've sat so far. I'll find out in July! But if I pass the year, I am absolutely determined to be perfect in my second year. Perfect grades, perfect weight, perfect clothes, perfect everything.

Hey, I might even win the lottery....

SO I'm going to spend all day today cramming for tomorrow's exam. I also get to pick up the results of a piece of coursework I did three weeks ago. Lets hope I did well!!

And, on Thursday, I have a photo shoot with a clothing company. It's going to be the first day of my cleanse, which is MEGA exciting. I'm also kinda nervous. But I'm going to look like a complete fatty ):

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday I'm working for most of the day. I work in a convenience store, so I'm always around food. It'll be a challenge, but I definitely think I can do it. I'll just bring a packed lunch to work, instead of wasting money on their pastries, which are turning me into a whale.

I'm also working the last 3 days of the 10 day cleanse. The thing I am most worried about is having the energy to work efficiently. I'll have to get the energy from somewhere!!

7 - 10 day cleanse

I'm going to add a cleanse to the beginning of my 40 day plan, so that I can lose loads of weight in the process, and it'll be easier for me to lose weight during the 40 day plan :]


So, I will be consuming only juices. Mainly consisting of one or a combination of the following:

• Carrot
• Celery
• Beet
• Spinach
• Apple
• Coconut
• Ginger

I'm also going to allow myself a vegetable broth for when I get reeeallyyyy hungry :] the recipe is as follows:

2 litres of water
2 large potatoes (peeled)
1 onion
3 carrots
4 garlic cloves

Chop all the vegetables and add to water. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes, then drain the vegetables. I like to add a little cayenne pepper but this is optional.

This is exactly why I'm doing the cleanse (it is recommended that the fast is done for 3-7 days, however, I may do it for 10 depending on how I'm feeling :])

• You will feel fresher and more energetic, with a renewed sense of mental and physical vitality.
• A cleaner liver metabolizes food faster, and sets up your body to lose weight in the long term!
• It is a short, relatively simple and inexpensive diet.
• Cleansing can help with alcohol, drug and nicotine addiction, by accelerating the detoxification process and shortening the length of withdrawal symptoms.
• Cleansing is a great way to break bad eating habits and start all over again with a clean and natural diet.

1.2.3.4EVER

So this is kind of a 40 day plan for the rest of my life, I guess. It's only a rough idea, and a more detailed food plan will follow.

I'm going to start this when my exams finish on the 15th June. So from the 16th, (conveniently pay-day), it's all systems are go :]

I plan to lose about 5 lbs per 10 days (on average... I'm hoping the weightloss will speed up as I go along. Lets hope the 5lbs remains a minimum, and I can lose even moreeeee)

Day 1-10:
1000 Cals per day
100 crunches per day
20 mins cardio per day

Day 11-20:
750 Calories per day
200 crunches per day
30 mins cardio per day

Day 21-30:
500 Cals per day
250 crunches per day
50 mins cardio per day

Day 31-Forever
500 Cals per day
300 crunches per day
2 hours cardio per day

Every tueseday, I will do a zumba class. I'll also look up other fitness classes in my area, and get a gym membership. I will not let myself go back to university if I am ANYTHING above 117 lbs, and I mean that.

I'm going to be doing sooo many hours at work, so I'll be earning quite a bit, whilst being on my feet all day, so definitely not complaining there! As each pay day comes, I hope to be buying clothes one size down at a time :]

I also plan to be more organised with my money. I'll have an account for my wages, an account for my student loan, and an account for my grant. I'll also have a 'savings' account, where I put money aside that I haven't spent from my allocated budget. That way, I'm less likely to go mad and spend a fuck load of money for no reason, because all I will see on my bank balance is what I allow myself to see :]

As well as reading ED books cover to cover (I have about 11 of them at the moment), I'm going to pre-study for my second year at university. That way I will be one step ahead, and everything will be great. I'll have the perfect body, the perfect grades, perfect everything. I'll be perfectly organised, and perfectly groomed. Not a hair out of place on my tiny frame. Make up perfect, perfectly shaven, hair perfectly styled, wearing my clothes in the most perfect way. Life will mean Love once more.

Dissappeared off the face of the web...

I've pretty much deserted this blog, for like 3 months?

Biggest. Mistake. Ever.

... And the super energy detox? LOAD OF BOLLOCKS. I gained 4 lbs. TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT!!

So I'm gonna shake things up a little. I have one exam left to study for. It's gonna be on the 15th of June. After that? I'm all yours! I'm gonna literally STUDY weightloss! Create my own plans (I've got a draft one written up ready, I'll post it in a sec) and I'm gonna get perfect. That's the idea anyways.

Clearing out everything from my bedrooms. I'm gonna start a fresh. I don't give a fuck who people want me to be anymore, I'm gonna let what's inside pour out from in between the cracks of the foundations so many people have dumped on me. Did they hold me up? No. They held me down, and it's time for me to break free.

Soooo, I got myself a Filofax :] (well, 2, a pink pocket one, and a purple personal one) so that I can stay super organised. I've got brand new scales, and some new clothes. Not that I deserved the clothes in the slightest, but I was beginning to look like a tramp.

And, here is some long awaited thinspo :]

Super Energy Detox (21 Day Plan)

I got a book today, about a detox which is supposed to help you lose weight, and feel amazing.
It's funny because in the 'not suitable for' section, it says not to do the detox if suffering from an eating disorder.

Thing is, I could't give a fuck, if I decide I like the plan, I'm gonna do it... And you're all welcome to join!

Love y'all x

I feel like a monster

A great big fat monster, and I hate it.

• I hate my stomach
• I hate my thighs
• I hate my calves
• I hate my arms
• I hate my fat neck + chin

I just wish I could go back to who I used to be. It seems as though it was never me.

I. Am. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, FAT, FAT, FUCKING FAT

ARRGHHH

rant over :]

Maybe One Day...

When I Re-Create Myself

I want to be:

• pretty
• toned
• tanned
• skinny
• bony
• graceful
• perfect

like this:

What your cravings mean

In no attempt to steal information from anyone, here is the website in which i found the info:
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/9WV687/www.2ndwindbodyscience.com/what%252520your%252520food.php

Compiled by Doug Setter of 2nd Wind Body Science doug@2ndwindbodyscience.com

If you crave this... What you really need is... And here are healthy foods that have it:       Chocolate Magnesium Raw nuts and seeds, legumes, fruits Sweets Chromium Broccoli, grapes, cheese, dried beans, calves liver, chicken   Carbon Fresh fruits   Phosphorus Chicken, beef, liver, poultry, fish, eggs, dairy, nuts, legumes, grain   Sulfur Cranberries, horseradish, cruciferous vegetables, kale, cabbage   Tryptophan Cheese, liver, lamb, raisins, sweet potato, spinach Bread, toast Nitrogen High protein foods: fish, meat, nuts, beans Oily snacks, fatty foods Calcium Mustard and turnip greens, broccoli, kale, legumes, cheese, sesame Coffee or tea Phosphorous Chicken, beef, liver, poultry, fish, eggs, dairy, nuts, legumes   Sulfur Egg yolks, red peppers, muscle protein, garlic, onion, cruciferous vegetables   NaCl (salt) Sea salt, apple cider vinegar (on salad)   Iron Meat, fish and poultry, seaweed, greens, black cherries Alcohol, recreational drugs Protein Meat, poultry, seafood, dairy, nuts   Avenin Granola, oatmeal   Calcium Mustard and turnip greens, broccoli, kale, legumes, cheese, sesame   Glutamine Supplement glutamine powder for withdrawal, raw cabbage juice   Potassium Sun-dried black olives, potato peel broth, seaweed, bitter greens Chewing ice Iron Meat, fish, poultry, seaweed, greens, black cherries Burned food Carbon Fresh fruits Soda and other carbonated drinks Calcium Mustard and turnip greens, broccoli, kale, legumes, cheese, sesame Salty foods Chloride Raw goat milk, fish, unrefined sea salt Acid foods Magnesium Raw nuts and seeds, legumes, fruits Preference for liquids rather than solids Water Flavor water with lemon or lime. You need 8 to 10 glasses per day. Preference for solids rather than liquids Water You have been so dehydrated for so long that you have lost your thirst. Flavor water with lemon or lime. You need 8 to 10 glasses per day. Cool drinks Manganese Walnuts, almonds, pecans, pineapple, blueberries Pre-menstrual cravings Zinc Red meats (especially organ meats), seafood, leafy vegetables, root vegetables General overeating Silicon Nuts, seeds; avoid refined starches   Tryptophan Cheese, liver, lamb, raisins, sweat potato, spinach   Tyrosine Vitamin C supplements or orange, green, red fruits and vegetables Lack of appetite Vitamin B1 Nuts, seeds, beans, liver and other organ meats   Vitamin B3 Tuna, halibut, beef, chicken, turkey, pork, seeds and legumes   Manganese Walnuts, almonds, pecans, pineapple, blueberries   Chloride Raw goat milk, unrefined sea salt Tobacco Silicon Nuts, seeds; avoid refined starches   Tyrosine Vitamin C supplements or orange, green and red fruits and vegetables

I'm not taking any more shit.

I'm finally starting to lose weight (I know! took it's time didn't it!!) and everyone's trying to force food down my throat. Everyone in this house cares about themselves above everyone else, and I am no longer going to be the pathetic little girl who goes out of her way to please the greedy bastards.

oooh I feel a rant coming on!!

Did I mention that I paid the boyfriend's mortgage the other day? yeah. He only gave me £40 towards the £230 I paid. And then THE SAME DAY he goes out and buys a £78 pair of shoes, and £40 on a pair of jeans. I was quite literally disgusted.

Oh yeah, and yesterday? He went and got himself an iPad!!! A FUCKING iPAD!!

Arrgh it infuriates me how everyone thinks about themselves. He started bitching on about how he 'works so hard for his money'. He earns peanuts. Literally, every month he fucking whines about how he's constantly in his overdraft, and how he can't afford to live. And then he wastes what little money he does have - and lies about how much it costs! He made me lie to his mum about the shoes - and he does it in such an effortless manner, that I wonder what else he lies to me about, to be honest.

So why the fuck should I go out of my way to get fat, just to please them? They can quite literally
Fuck. Right. Off.

So I've eaten a couple of 84 cal biscuits, and two pieces of buttered toast. yeah, that is the downside to my day... I was doing so well, BUT on the other handdd, I'm going to do rather a lot of exercise tonight, and I am point blank refusing dinner.

I'm going back onto my diet pills too... I'm not waiting any longer... I have to be perfect by my birthday!

Ballet is my favourite dance: the perfect display of strength, stamina, beauty, determination, focus, discipline and grace <3

I strive to have such beautiful collar bones!

THAT is how I wanna look <3

hipbones <3

average day today :]

I ate 3 'normal' meals today... by my family's standards, but i haven't binged at all!

I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a small cake and a hot chocolate for lunch, and a plate of vegetables with some vegetarian sausages for dinner.

no-one would ever know i had an eating disorder....

i still feel so fat and disgusting. i'm so bloated, and my GW seems so far away! i wish that i never let those interfering doctors force me into recovery. how dare they?!?!

anyways, as promised, some thinspo will be coming soooon xD x

Heya!

Again, it's been ages since I've updated, and this blog is turning into a bit of a failure! Just like me I guess. But that is soon about to change.

Uni work has been getting the better of me, and I only get one day off work/uni, during which I spend cleaning out my animals, doing uni work and cleaning! It really doesn't help that everyone's been keeping tabs on me!

Nonetheless, improvements will be made! I will make an effort to update atleast once a day, even if I just do so via my phone, and when I get to my laptop, thinspo will be regularly posted :]

I'm still not succeeding on reaching my GW. In fact, I'm still pretty close to my HW, mainly because I've lost focus on weight loss altogether. A very rare occurrence for me! A pregnancy scare followed by a miscarriage doesn't help either!!

Anyhoo, I'm off to bed. It's midnight now, and I have a tonne of sleep to catch up on. Tomorrow will be a brand new day, on the road to creating the brand new me.

Stay Strong Girls and Boys! xxxx

look what i found!!

some of ym safe foods

 Follow the pyramid.

Rice Cakes - 28 cals a piece
Smash mash - 110 cals which is less than normal potato's
tomato - 40 cals a go
jaffa cakes - 90 cals a cake and only 1 gram of fat
chicken - 90 cals a fist sized piece
Weight watchers bread - 49 cals a slice
potato cakes - 69 cals a piece
green tea - 0 cals
Fat free yogurt - 60 cals
Grapes - 80 cals a bunch and natural laxative effect
Shortbread - 50 cals per piece
Coffee - vitually no cals if skimmed milk
Honey - 51 cals per tablespoon, great for that quick sugar fix
oranges - 30 cals
melbourne toast - 19 cals per slice
Diet soda - 1 cals, hooray!
Sugar free jello - 10 cals per cube
Skim milk - 90 cals a cup
Brown rice - 110 cals per two cups
Lettuce - 0 cals
Egg white Broth - 5 cals per cube
I Can't Beleive It's Not Butter Spray - 0 calories
tomatoes - 24 cals
cucumbers - 16 cals
lemon - 10 cals
salsa - 24 cals
strawberries - 45 cals per cup
Cambells chicken noodle soup  - 150 cals per can
Cool Whip Free - 15 cals per 2 tbs
fat free & sugar fee pudding - 140 cals
fat free cheese - 30 cals a slice
sugar free popsicles - 12 cals a go
air popped popcorn - 30 cals a cup
ketchup - 26 cals a tea spoon
mustard 15 cals a tea spoon
Crystal Light - 5 cals 90 cals

VEGETABLES

Ice burg lettuce------one cup=10 cals

Mushrooms---------1/2 cup=9 cals 1 cup=18 cals

Radishes-------------10 raw=7 cals

Celery---------------1 stick[not one bunch] =15 cals

Cucumber----------1/2 one med raw=8 cals

Dill pickle---------one large=11 cals

Eggplant-----------1/2 cup cooked=13 cals

Greens------------1/2 cup cooked=13 cals

Peas---------------1/2 cup raw=12 cals

Okra--------------1/2 cup raw=25 cals

Bell pepper---------1/2 cup raw=12 cals 1 cup=24 cals

Pumpkin-------------1/2 cup canned=41 cals

Sauerkraut-----------1/2 cup=22 cals

Spinach--------------1 cup raw=12 cals

FRUITS

Apple------------one med=81 cals

Apricot-----------1 med fresh=17 cals

Blackberries-------1 cup fresh=74 cals

Blueberries---------1 cup fresh=82 cals

Canalope---------1 cup=57 cals

Cherries------------1/2 cup fresh=26 cals

Plum----------------1 med=36 cals

Grapefruit-----------1/2 med=39 cals

Grapes---------------1 cup=58 cals

Honeydew melon-----1/4 small=33 cals

Kiwi------------------1 med=46 cals

Orange---------------1 med=65 cals

Peach----------------1 med=35 cals

Pear------------------1 med=98 cals

Pineapple--------------1 cup fresh=77 cals

Raspberries-----------1 cup=60 cals

Nectarine-------------1 med=66 cals

Lemon---------------1 med=17

Lime----------------1 med=20 cals

DRINKS

Tea[cold with sweetnlow or plan]------------0 cals

Tea[hot plan]--------------------------------0 cals

Diet soda[Coke,pepsi etc]----------------1 cals

Fruit 2 /O and fruit 2/O plus---------------0 cals Its flavored water with vitamins A,C and most B. Best part ZERO calories,carbs,sugar and fat.Great for fasting days or just a anytime.

Diet V8 splash-------------------------Only 10 calories per 8oz and has tons of vitamins.Theres only 80 calories in a WHOLE bottle.

Coffee-----------------------------------1 cup=10 cals

Suger-free dinks from WAL-MART[only that store has them]Their little tubs that you mix with water and have ZERO everything!Flavors include lemonaid,fruit punch,tea,starwberry,grape orange and more---------0 cals

And ofcorse WATER,WATER,WATER AND MORE WATER 10 glasses daily.Ice water will help burn more calories.

E.T.C

Rice cakes-------------------------------------anywhere from 35 to 75 calories but it veries on favlor lightlt salted or whole grain usaly has the fewst calories.Apple and cheese tends to be higher.Not most are never higher then 75.Check lables

Saltines-------------------------------5 unsalted or fat free 60 calories

Preatzels-----------------------------48 fat-free 100 calories check lables

A list of negative calorie food 

Take this list with you when you go shopping.

Apples

Apricots

Artichokes

Asparagus

Beet greens

Beets

Blackberrys

blueberries

broccoli

Brussels sprouts

Cabbage

carrots

caluiflower

celeriac

celery

cherries

chervil

chicory

chinese cabbage

chives

cranberries

cucumbers

Damson plum

dandelion greens

eggplant

endive

garlic

grapefruit

grapes

Greenbeans

Honeydew

Huckleberries

Kale

kohlrabi

leeks

lemons

lettce

limes

logenberries

mushrooms

musterd greens

Okra

Onion

Oranges

Parsley

peachs

pears

peas

peppers[green,red,yellow and orange]

Pinapple

prunes

pumpkin[raw]

Radishes

Rasdishes

raspbarries

red cabbage

rhubarb

sauerkraut

spinach

squash

strawberries

string beans

sprouts

Tangerines

tomato

Turnips

Water cress

Watermelon

Credit for this post goes to: http://anathinbeauty.webs.com/safefoods.htm

Updateeee -warning... this could be a long one!

Hey, Sorry I haven't posted in a while, things are really getting on top of me!
I now have a therapist/shrink. I didn't think I'd be having regular appointments, but apparently this time, I have to -.-
So I've been getting good grades in university - I suppose that's a plus! But I have two results due, and I'm terrified. I definitely won't be doing nearly as well as the last two :(

In terms of my eating, my weight has thankfully remained roughly about the same - I say thankfully because it makes a welcomed change to the ridiculous gaining that my body seems to think it's okay to do! I have every intention to lose as much weight as possible for my birthday - that has been my goal date since ages, so I'm going to stick to it - and actually achieve it this time!

I'm going to be aiming for 105lbs as always. I know it's not realistic, and I'm going to be sorely disappointed, but if I give in and aim for a higher weight, my goal weight will just get more and more lenient, and I'll fail as always, so 105lbs it is! I know I can do it, however difficult it is! I think if I shift 3lbs per week, then I should hit my target a little in advance of my birthday - plenty of time for me to get some lovely clothes to fit my brand new body :]

To walk into Miss Selfridges, Topshop or River Island, and pick up a size 4, put them on, and watch them glide on effortlessly - no tugging, squeezing in, just a comfortable outfit, that fits me just like a 10 does now :] (it may be adequate to note that these are English sizes, so in American terms, I want to fit into a 0, like a 6 does now :])

If I hit my target, I'll be sure to post lots of photos of my birthday bash, as I will be uberrrrrr proud xDD

in a lecture about EU law

The lecturer has a really nice american accent. She dresses quite well. I can't concentrate because she gives no time for note making. I'm so confused! 5 minutes in, and I've given up making notes. :(

This is sooo difficult!

okay day

In terms of calories, today hasn't been amazing, but in terms of what i've eaten, it's gone brilliantly!

I've overcome a massive hurdle, and managed to avoid binging. Although the day is far from over, I'm faily confident that I can stay under 1200 cals - yes that seems an awful lot, but I figured the only way I'm gonna get my weight down is to reduce my caloric intake gradually, in order to avoid binges :]

lovesss xxxx

hey, sorry for not updating

i've had a really shit couple of days
my relationship is on the rocks, and i'm just not feeling great
plus the fact i can't stop binging!

i can just feel the anger welling up in me... like it's filling me up from my feet to my head. it's at my chest right now. my chest feels strange. the anger's there. everything everyone does at home fucks me off, and i get frustrated at the smallest thing!

it's being fat that's doing this to me. fat fat fat. why can't i drop this fucking weight? my body makes me feel physically sick, yet i just can't stop myself. i want to cry! scream, shout... jump. lets see if i can fly? I cant. the wind won't carry an elephant like me. FUCK MY LIFE.

you know what, it's times like this, when, even though i've been anorexic in the past, i want to get every single anorexic in the world in the same room as me, and get them to drum into me as many 'tips' as possible. to be honest about how fat i am. arghhhhhhhh!!!!!

someone help?

wtf?!?!

My entire 'blogs i'm following' list has just deleted itself. fucking heeellllllllll

Maybe a little closer....

Today I have decided to go vegan again :] It seems the most plausible way to eradicate any binging, and it will give me a chance to explore low fat, but filling recipes xD

I'm also considering merging my other blog with this one - it will be easier to manage, and will make this blog more personal... or should I keep running both blogs?

I'm going to post progress photo's with my weights every week... that should be awesome motivation for me to stick to my plans :]

I'm sooo excited to go vegan! I've bought a few bits and pieces, e,g, some oat milk, low fat flakes for breakfast, vegetable 'pasta' and some stir fry veggies & rice noodles :] that should set me up fine for the rest of the week... i'll just have fruit for lunch, and I will have really small meals, so it's all good :]

Fat Far Fat Fat Fat

That's what I feel right now... Fat and disgusting!!
ARGHHH!! I'm just so ANGRY at how I've let myself go!!

I want to feel light on my feet... To look as graceful as a dancer when I'm performing even the simplest tasks.

I hate it here. There is only one way to make everything better, and that is to gain control back over myself, if anything, and not let those interfering bastards take over.

gooood morningggg

As this is my first proper post on this blog, I figured I'll introduce myself, and give my reasons as to having this second blog.

Firstly, as far as names are concerned, I'd like to remain anonymous, so for the time being, I'll be heidi :)
I'm 18 years old, I'm a taurus, and I was born on a Friday.

So, this is obviously a 'pro-anorexia' or 'pro-ana' blog... What ever you would like to call it. That is because I have 'suffered' from eating disorders since before I can remember, my first diagnosis given at 12 years old. At the moment, bulimia has her cruel grip on me, but I'm hoping that won't be for long. As sick as it sounds, I'm longing to go back to ana, my dearest lifelong friend. I know she's there, and she has some part to play in my current behavious and relationship with food, but I will never deem myself anorexic until I am at a decent weight... No matter how many times the shrink wants to shove it on a piece of paper.

So, to the name of the blog: I must be completely honest here, the name was not my original creation. I came accross it when looking at someone's blogroll, and clicked to have a look. The name described my torture exactly how it is: I'm battling food, bad habits, and anyone who gets in my way so that I can see every beautiful bone in my body. When dear old blogspot said that the name was no longer in use, and that I was free to register it, I jumped at the chance.

So thankyou to the previous author for leaving me with this awesome blog name, and I hope that everything is okay? It does worry me when I see that blogs have been removed... I just hope the author has decided to recover as opposed to deciding... Or having no choice but to die.

Which leads me to another point: eating disorders, especially anorexia KILL YOU! I will not, as a matter of principle, give out 'tips and tricks' as to how to become anorexic, and I will not encourage dangerous behaviour. What I will do, however, is discuss with anyone what they're going through, and talk about my personal day to day life as an eating disordered teen.

Cheeerrrrssss xxxx

BLOG UNDER CONSTRCTION

please bear with me, as I will be running this blog alongside my other.
I will design this blog, and start posting as soon as i can.

much love xx